An Ever Growing Void In My Heart.

 
      I have had this empty space growing in my heart ever since I was a child. It keep growing with me. I was told by a few that I should learn to fill it up with things that i love. But the more I try to fill in this void with new knowledge, lovely sights, relationships and other dear stuff it grows even bigger, leaving me depressed,insomniac, nervous and I try harder to pull myself into a protective shell. This hurts even more. I feel lonely and sad. I suffer from chronic headaches and nightmares haunt me during the little time i sleep. What am I going through?

  Last day when i told my friend that I was feeling lonely,she asked me how on earth would that be possible when am surrounded with people who love me so much. My family and my dear friends never have left me alone. But still,even in the middle of a huge crowed I feel lonely. I get lost in a strange and confined space. I talk,I smile and I laugh but the void within keeps growing. I miss something.Something that is so dear to me but I have no idea what that is. How do I find it? How do I make people around me understand that am crying when am laughing, that am screaming when am silent and that am trying to run away from almost every thing that exist in my life! 

  Well, this is crazy. I agree. But this is the truth. I am afraid of certain things that if I tell anyone they will laugh at me. I used to share these uneasy feelings with my mom and even my best friends but they don't understand. They have only seen the brave,ever smiling, talkative ME! I tried depending on books,paintings,music and movies but they helped only for the fraction of time spend on them. And I will be thrown back to the cold damp lonely space once again. 

   I have been searching for long to find this something that could fill in this gaping wound. I ended up in the wrong relationships, made the worst choices, and tried almost everything that was possible for me to just stop it growing. At some point I even considered giving up on everything. I even thought at many a times if this was normal or if this is the way every human being live on. I found no answer. Nothing could help me find the missing part of my heart. I am still searching, still hoping and am still suffering every second in this empty space inside and out! 

            

"Forever lost in the depths of  raging sea. A sea that always drained my soul empty and left the void grow!"